Troll Competition part 1

Having spent a number of years as a regular contributor to cycling themed Internet fora, and having virtually retired from the game (i.e. still lurking, making the occasional post but having greatly diminished involvement these days), I shall now parody of the most infamous trolls that seem to come up time and again. There will probably be a second (and maybe a third) installment because there are just so many of them. While this post is intended as satire, I was surprised while writing it just how closely some of the piss-takes resembled the actual trolls themselves.

I have recently undertaken a new Fatkins diet that I read in some obscure tabloid magazine some time ago. I think it's an outstanding success because I lost 169kg in three weeks. However, for some reason I then found that I had no energy at all and struggled with even the most basic functions of life. However, don't anybody dare tell me that this diet was the cause of my problems, there's no way they can be linked, after all, losing weight has to be healthy, so I'm gonna flame you to all hell if you disagree with me!

I was riding my unicycle to work on the shortened version of my commute (a mere 250km as opposed to my usual 400km), wearing the full clown suit when the driver of a pick-up truck raised his eyebrows at me in what was clearly a threatening manner. Now I'm normally a rational kind of guy, but this really ticked me off. What I'm wondering here is whether I should carry a gun in future to deal with psychos like this. There is, however, an equal and opposite troll:

I was out riding my bike this morning when I someone in a car yelled at me to "get off the f*cking road", before swerving at me, then throwing a full beer can at me. At first I was angry with him, then I thought back to three weeks ago when I saw a cyclist run a red light, and then I realised that all this time, the driver was the victim. After all, the cyclist who ran a red light gave us all a bad name that day (never mind the fact that everyone else at the intersection, myself included, ran the light, and that this driver probably didn't even see it). Clearly, this was what was upsetting the driver (not that I actually asked him at the time). In fact, that cyclist who ran that light three weeks ago is probably also responsible for war, famine and global warming. Man, I'd like to punch his lights out -- he ruined my ride Goddammit!

Hello, I am a newbie in need of professional assistance for (insert problem here), but I'm too lazy and too stingy to pay for these services, so I thought I'd come and ask the people here. After all, I know someone here will be able to solve my problem.

I saw a terrible newspaper article yesterday, claiming a cyclist had been killed on a road. If only he'd been wearing a helmet. The fact that he swerved across four lanes of traffic without looking first is irrelevant, after all, we all know that helmets will protect you from every possible threat, be it cars, AIDS, war, famine, natural disasters or whatever. So don't you dare try to tell me that the cyclist might have made a mistake (beyond not wearing a helmet), or that we might be able to learn something from this incident because that would be extremely callous so I'm gonna flame you to hell.

Man, I'm so sick of those helmet nazis telling me I should wear my helmet. For God's sake, it's my choice dammit and no zealot is going to tell me I should wear one. After all, they're really dorky and uncool, and I don't like things on my head (although bandages are cool and chicks dig scars). Besides, someone in the UK conducted a study from a really small sample and concluded that I'll get hit by cars if I wear my helmet (never mind the fact that everybody else who wears a helmet somehow manages to avoid being hit by cars on a regular basis).

Since the days are getting shorter now, I thought I would start looking at the sunrise and sunset times on the Internet as a way of coping with it. Don't anyone dare tell me I should consider getting lights in case the weather turns nasty on a ride or I get held up by a flat tyre or some other mechanical failure. I'll flame you to hell because they are uncool and dorky and I'm way too cool for that crap!

Hello, I'm a total and complete f*ckwit who has spent a lot of time running around various fora flaming and even making online death threats against various posters who disagreed with me. Then I came to this board because it has moderators, but strangely, when I flame people here, they still flame me back. Why? I thought the mods were supposed to stop this. Then I tried reporting one of the posts to a moderator, and they wrote back and told me to behave myself! Can you believe it? I mean, I'm also a donating member (even if my subscription doesn't come close to paying the admin's hosting fee) so I should get priority. This board sucks Goddammit!