Bike love goes too far

This story crossed my desk recently thanks to Dave Mac . I never actually made it to Ayr when I was in Scotland, and I'm beginning to think I should be more relieved than disappointed about that:

From the SMH Stay in Touch on Monday:

We don't understand this news report which appeared in the London Daily Telegraph on Friday - not the legality of it, not the morality of it, and definitely not the mechanics of it. So we'll just reprint it in full and await your explanations:

"A man has been placed on the sex offenders' register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle. Robert Stewart was discovered in his room by two cleaners at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, south-west Scotland , in October last year. On Wednesday Mr Stewart admitted to sexual breach of the peace in Ayr Sheriff Court , where depute fiscal Gail Davidson described how he had been found by the hostel workers.

"She said: 'They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white T-shirt, naked from the waist down. The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.

"Both witnesses, who were extremely shocked, notified the hotel manager, who in turn alerted the police. Mr Stewart ... is not the first man to be convicted of a sexual offence involving an inanimate object, however. Karl Watkins, an electrician, was jailed for having sex with pavements in Redditch , Worcs, in 1993."
We're wondering if this column's favourite entertainer, Britney Spears, might have had that story in mind when she made a statement to journalists on Friday outside the Los Angeles courtroom where she is involved in a custody hearing. Asked how she was doing, Spears responded: "Eat it, lick it, snort it, f---k it!" and then re-entered the courtroom in tears.

If you can offer a theory on the meaning of all this, ideally in verse, tell us. The prize will not be a bicycle.